Looking Forward and Looking Backward

Divorce is weird. It's more than just a breakup. It's telling someone that you made the mistake of loving them. That you'd be better off without them in your life, that you made a mistake, of sorts, by saying "I do." This is isn't to mean that sometimes divorce is needed. There are instances where the best thing for everyone is to part ways.

I used to laugh when I'd hear a person going through a divorce state they they just grew apart. I used to think how was that possible? How could all of that love and all of those good feelings from the wedding and those first few years go away. How can the person that was once your light become nothing but darkness. As I found out, it can and does happen.

I could have been a better husband. My marriage could have been better. Sadly, it reached a point where divorce was the only logical conclusion. There were lots of symptoms, but the root cause was we stopped talking. I stopped sharing the high points of my day and stopped engaging when my wife shared her obstacles. It's amazing how two people in one house, raising children could be in two separate worlds, But, it happened. It became obvious that we were better off apart than we were together.

I've had friends get married in the years since my divorce. I've even officiated a wedding. My advice, such as it is, is to never stop talking. Never stop being there for each other. Got a funny story that happened at work? Share it. Got an aggravation that happened at the grocery store? Share it. Keep that person number one in your life. Most wedding vows have verbiage to forsake all others. I thought that just meant not to commit adultery, but it's more than that. Your spouse, your helpmate should be your top priority. It really is the little things that keep a marriage strong and vibrant.

Looking back on my marriage and divorce, I can honestly say that one thing has not changed: I want my ex-wife to be happy. I used to think that I was able to make that possible, but I'm not. And that's OK. I want to co-parent with her and raise our smart, beautiful girls. I want to remember the good times, of which there were many. I still love her, but it's just different. I want her to be happy, not because she's the mother of my children, but because we had over 12 great years of sharing our lives together.

And we are co-parenting well. Ironically, I think our communication may be better now than it was during the last few years of marriage. Even though I know that the divorce was the best thing for everyone involved and that we both now have the opportunity for real happiness, there are times when I will hear a song or smell something that reminds me of those good times. Even though the marriage didn't end like we thought it would, there were some really joyous times that we can look back on fondly.

Divorce, like most things in this human experience, changes you. It gives you a new normal. Just like everything else, it's up to you to determine whether the change will be positive or negative.  I'm choosing positive.