Can't We All Just Get Along?

Much has been made about about Ellen Degeneres hanging out with former President George Bush. And, of course, there was the hug heard 'round the world between Brandt Jean and his brother's murderer, Amber Guyger. Jean's hug of the former Dallas police officer and Ellen hanging out with W (and her followup statement) have been held up as points of light in this otherwise dark world. And on their face, it forgiveness and kindness sound good.... but not when they're used to muzzle the voices of the oppressed.

Botham Jean was shot and killed by Amber Guyger. That was Brandt's brother and I'm not going judge his actions. Thankfully, I've not been in his shoes, losing a loved one to such an act of violence. However, black death has rarely remained the burden of the immediate family. Since its inception, America has used state-sanctioned violence against individual black people (yes, Guyger was off work, but as a uniformed officer she was certainly an agent of the state) to keep the black community in line. From the public beatings of disobedient slaves, to the thousands upon thousands of lynchings of black people at the beginning of the 20th century, to the atrocities of the Civil Rights' movement (church bombings, house bombings and other murders) to the cavalier way the police summarily execute black males today (3 times more than anyone else) the families grieve privately and the community grieves collectively.

While I have zero problem with the Brandt Jean hugging and extending forgiveness to Guyger, I have a ton of issue with the over the top response. Most folks expressed the sentiment "Wow! I've never seen anything like this!" Except we have. The families of the victims of Dylann Roof offered forgiveness for Roof before the memorials and funerals were even held. Time and time again, from Eric Garner to Tamir Rice to Medgar Evers to Emmett Till to Martin Luther King, Jr, the question is always asked of these surviving black families "do you forgive?" Most faith traditions express the need for forgiveness, especially Christianity. Jesus spoke at length about forgiving others. But Jesus also talked about holding those accountable in power. It speaks volumes that Brandt Jean's hug resounded with more people than Allison Jean (Brandt and Botham's mother) calling for accountability for the Dallas Police Department specifically and the country as a whole. Jesus didn't say either or, he preached both.

Ellen Degeneres caused a stir when she took in a Dallas Cowboys game with former President George W. Bush. To be sure, it was an odd pairing. Ellen famously lost her TV sitcom when she came out of the closet and has been a staunch LGBTQ rights proponent. Bush made banning gay marriage one of the cornerstones of his presidency. When some people expressed outrage that Ellen could be so cozy with someone that seemed to be against everything you believed in. How could Ellen, perhaps the most famous lesbian in America, be buddy-buddy with someone that worked so feverishly to deny people like her the basic human right of marriage? It didn't seem to make sense.

Well, Ellen came out with a prepared statement, something to the effect of: we should be able to be friends with people we disagree with. She ended her statement with "Be kind." And we should be kind. We should be able to get along with people of differing backgrounds and political beliefs and all that. Here's the thing, however, there are some things that are just deal-breakers. To quote the great James Baldwin: "We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and the denial of my humanity and the right to exist." Disagreeing with someone about their favorite candy or favorite musical genre is one thing, but there are things that aren't so easily breached. If I say that Black Lives Matter and you're retort is they don't, where's the common ground?

Like forgiveness, this be kind message sounds good in theory, but both ideals have been weaponized to silence marginalized groups. Like with the Jeans, everyone loves the hugs and the words of forgiveness, but no one champions the calls for justice. Ellen can certainly hangout with who she wants, but the average LGBTQ person isn't going to sit down and share laughs with someone that actively campaigns against their basic rights. And that shouldn't be mandatory to be seen as a decent person. Again, this mindset has been used to get marginalized groups to fall into line. Everyone remembers Martin Luther King Jr's dream, but no one really focuses on the hundreds of other things he asked America do to.

We can disagree without being disagreeable. We should forgive those that have wronged us. Both of those actions ring hollow when there's no action on the other side. The Jean family can forgive Amber Guyer, but that doesn't absolve her of suffering the consequences of her actions. Ellen can laugh and dance with who she wants to, but most of us aren't in a position to be friendly with those that fail to see our humanity. And for a lot of people, that is a choice between life and death.