Live Like You Were Dying

The last year has been a year of my life has been one of profound loss and extreme personal growth. I buried my father in July of 2015 and my 12 year marriage ended in January. Death and divorce came calling on me in rapid succession. And as I've shared before, I battle clinical depression so for a bit of time, I was in a very bad place.

But, unlike other times in my life, I reached out and asked for help. I moved in with my mom. I spent time with friends that I had been neglecting and became closer with people that I hadn't been before. As a result, I've been able to endure the toughest time in my life and I have come out of the other side... better. I have found that when you share your burden with a few close friends that it's not nearly has heavy as it is when you try to carry it yourself. There are people that care, you just have to give them the opportunity.

Whenever someone asks how I've been able to handle everything, I have to say that it's been through the love and support of my friends and family that I've pulled through. And I'll be eternally grateful for every call, text, email and visit that folks have offered me over the last six months especially. It is infinitely easier to tell that voice in the back of your head that says you aren't worth it, that "yes I am!" when you've got people going out of their way to help you out and make sure you are alright.

Here I sit, nearing the one year anniversary of my father's passing and nearing the completion of my divorce. The question I've been asking myself is: What's next? How do I now define who Terry is? I know I want to be the best father that I can be to my two girls, but what else? One day, I heard that old Tim McGraw song Live Like You Were Dying come on the radio one day and I was reminded of something my dad said to be until the day he died: "Be Better."

He would say, "Son, whenever you think you're great is when you stop trying to be better. You owe it to yourself to be better than you were the day before. If you're not improving yourself, then why even get out of bed?" With that in mind, I want to be better. I want to be a better father. I want to be the father that my girls will know that I love them and will do anything and everything for them. I want them to know that although their mother and I are no longer together, we will always be a family and we will always be joined in love.

I want to be a better son. My mother has buried both of my brothers and now my father. I want to be the son she needs on those dark days when she gets overwhelmed with her grief. I want to be the son I probably should have been for my first 38 years, but will aspire to be for the next 38. I want to be the son that she deserves for everything she has done for me and continues to do. I'm a mama's boy and I'm proud of it.

I want to be a better friend. I want to be the friend that doesn't lose contact and only reaches out when they need something. I want to be the friend that supports as I've been supported and loves as I have been loved. I want to be the friend that I'd like to have.

As vague as it sounds, I want to be a better person. Muhammad Ali said "The service you do for others is the rent you pay for your room here on Earth." And right now, my rent is passed due. I'm going to do more, be more active in my community. I'm not going to see wrongs in the world, shake my head and move on. I'm going to speak out against wrong. I'm going to give a voice to those without a voice. I'm going to be a better citizen, a better neighbor.

Hopefully, I'll be able to find love again. I'm not looking at the moment, but I hope that I get my happily ever after. I can look back and take some of the lessons I've learned and I can be a better husband.

We only get a short time on this Earth. We have just a little while to make an impact on others. When my time comes to once again meet up with my father and brothers, I want people to say "Terry Brown wasn't perfect, but the world is a better place because he was in it."